It was 3 years after I left my ex - or, more accurately - was driven out when she threatened to stab me. We'd been married for 15 years and her nervous system was degenerating from post surgery hypoxia. She'd been losing herself for years in a downward spiral of pain, depression, impaired cognitive skills, impaired motor skills, and a rising narcissism devoid of emotional connections (extending to her children and sisters). She was miserable, scared, and angry. So, so angry. She'd lash out at anyone or anything, assign blame for blameless things, and make accusations that made no sense. Nothing was ever good enough - nothing - she thought she deserved everything and wasn't shy about demanding it.
She began having severe sleep apnea (I can remember hearing her stop breathing and wishing she wouldn't start again, over and over) and we never got a good nights rest for years, which of course contributed further to her health issues. Eventually, she'd stay up to the point of collapse, typically around 30 hours at a time but sometimes as short as 20 or as long as 50. Then she'd "sleep" for 16 - 20 hours tossing and turning the whole time as she continually woke herself up. She got so little sleep she would often hallucinate, which was fun. She'd "remember" conversations she'd "had" with people and get mad at them for not doing what they had "agreed" to in her mind - which was always to do or give or provide or cure something for her. She couldn't discern what was real anymore. Sometimes it was hard for me to discern, too.
After sleep apnea developed the physical issues began to manifest. Fibromyalga was the first, and most doctors at the time thought it was an imaginary thing or there was something that could be detected as the root cause. So the process of doctor shopping started, and with each new doctor came more and more tests. Nothing was found, but her health kept deteriorating. Liver issues, GI issues (she'd had a gastric bypass several years before this started), kidney issues, hormone balance issues, thyroid issues, and probably 3 or 4 more I'm forgetting. Nothing on her seemed to work right, and no one knew what the problem was. So she started self diagnosing. I can't remember the number of tumors she "had" in her brain that would explain her different issues, let alone how many weird diseases/conditions she knew she had that we'd need to see a doctor about. At 1 point we were averaging 2 doctors appointments a week with zero results. Fun fact: I'd get accused of purposely hitting bumps in the road or taking the route with the most turns on it (she was so sensitive to touch sometimes from the fibro just having force applied in a different direction would cause her pain) just to hurt her.
Ends up a good portion of the problems were from the dye used in her frequent CAT scans. Her kidneys were barely big enough for her and they couldn't remove the dye from her system fast enough. No more CAT scans, no more unidentifiable issues. Sometimes medicine outsmarts itself. Didn't cure the fibro, though.
I could go into the daily abuse but if you've lived with a narcissist that's losing their mind I don't have to, and if you haven't you wouldn't understand anyway. So I'll just sum up: It sucks, they try to destroy you, and do.
So after that, why would I want to date again, let alone fall backwards into a serious relationship? Because before she got sick things were wonderful. We loved each other very, very much, and it's all everyone says it is.
I could go into the daily abuse but if you've lived with a narcissist that's losing their mind I don't have to, and if you haven't you wouldn't understand anyway. So I'll just sum up: It sucks, they try to destroy you, and do.
So after that, why would I want to date again, let alone fall backwards into a serious relationship? Because before she got sick things were wonderful. We loved each other very, very much, and it's all everyone says it is.
We'd meet online on the old MSN sites discussion forums, in a place called Today's Hot Topics where 30 or 40 regulars would post, debate, and argue over various topics. I had joined to have my notions/views/perspective challenged in order to explore whether or not I had come to the right conclusions in my beliefs/worldview/whatever you want to call it. After around 4 months we started to private chat about things being discussed, then discovered we really liked each other and moved to the phone.
